


Punishment for Culinary Crimes

by LastNightFanfictionSavedMyLife



Series: Shield Wolf [4]
Category: No Offence (TV)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Love, Miller is interrupted and not best pleased, Romance, Texting, horrible party food is horrible, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:15:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27125746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LastNightFanfictionSavedMyLife/pseuds/LastNightFanfictionSavedMyLife
Summary: Where Miller is upset by texts about mushroom vol-au-vents and is later interrupted from his quest. But it's ok, as he's another lined up, as always.-I blame the plot bunnies - they made me do it!Based upon 'No Offence' a most excellent channel 4 police procedural series. Seriously, it's brilliant, go watch it!Professor Randolph Miller is truly an amazing character who reminds me of a uni tutor I had.A loving, sexy, silly, one-shot, set sometime after series three has ended. And set after the first work in this series.Please heed warnings and tags and end notes etc before reading. Warning: contains mentions of mushroom vol-au-vents (the horrendous disgusting things!).-Alright Bambinos, please read and enjoy!Kudos and Comments always greatly appreciated.
Relationships: Randolph Miller/Female Original Character
Series: Shield Wolf [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1978786





	Punishment for Culinary Crimes

She's sat at her desk but her mind is miles away. Prof Miller, Randolph, had been working at the mortuary all week. She tapped despondently at her keyboard.

She missed him terribly.

They still met up in the evening at his house, but she was really missing his presence around the office. She'd no one to joke with... No one to talk to... Well, that wasn't _strictly_ true. There were many different people she now knew around Friday Street to talk to, but none she could _talk_ talk to...

She missed his silly flamboyance and his acute wit. There was no one here that she could ask about literally _anything_. No one here that would know the answer or at the very least, know where to find it. Not like she could him. The man was an Encyclopedia and Tower of Babel for all things 'Sciency'. The breadth of his knowledge was simply astounding. She thought that she was reasonably well read, but he was on another level completely. 

Conversations with him became a thing of beauty, to cherish and savour. To enjoy.

The office was so quiet without him.

She sighed and went back to tapping at the spreadsheet at a slow pace. She should have been finished with this ages ago, but, well, it was all so very ORDINARY!

Her phone buzzed.

A text message from Randolph. She smiled happily.

Sexy Shield Wolf  
  


Hello love X I'm still stuck at the mortuary. But I'm almost done (yay!) Xx I'll be back later today, I'll be a bit late back for the start of the team lunch, but I'll be all yours by the time it ends X Save me some food from there pleeeeeease. Don't let the bloody vultures descend and scoff everything!! You know what I like xx Food wise as well as everything else hehehe X You'll be my special dessert later love xxx

Ok, avocado sandwiches it is then Xxx

No!! you are an evil evil woman!! xx 

Mushroom vol-au-vents then xx

Do NOT mention those horrendous disgusting things to me!!!! XXX

Vegan pizza ok love? Xxx

What?!!!!!!!!? Might as well eat the bloody cardboard packaging!!!!!!! Xx

She noted the use of exclamation marks was increased with each reply and giggled. She wondered if she could get him to do a whole text just full of exclamations.

Hmmm cauliflower risotto? Xx

Vomit inducing slop!!!!!!!!!!! Xx 

So that's a no for lentil rolls then? X xx

Wicked, wicked evil woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There will be PUNISHMENT involved if there's no curried chicken saved for me xxx

What type of punishment are we talking about exactly? As the type of punishment you've usually in mind, isn't exactly a threat my sex crazed wolfie xx

No shagging for a week! Xx

Oh, and I'd bought myself some nice new underwear. Suppose I'd best send them back then xx

She sent him the link to the black and red bra and knicker set that she'd purchased.

You are truly the devil's child, flaunting your wantonness in front of me like a brazen hussy! Xx x

Everything I've learnt is from you my love I was so pure and innocent until you got your hands on me xx

Hands, lips, tongue… Not heard any complaints so far my sexy lover xx

Never any complaints love. You're the bestest lover ever. Have I told you how much I miss you? xx

You have, at least 10 times each day xx I miss you too my love xxX My cock is twitching at the thought of diving deep into your moistened loveliness as soon as we escape from the lunch do. Sooooo you'll keep that underwear then? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease xx

Weeeell… I can't actually send it back xx

What? Why would you tease me like that, you little minx? Xx

Don't you want to know why I can't send it back? Xx

Because the factory it's from has spontaneously combusted in its own sexiness? Xx Too much hot sexy in one place xx bit like me eh? Xx

Mmmm you are the definition of sexy Professor Randolph Miller X phew! Xx I might have to go and have a play with myself for a bit to calm myself down from thinking of you and your hands, lips, tongue. You are such a naughty man! xx

Don't you dare! You know the rules! No fiddling unless I'm there to watch!!!! Xx oh and why can't you send that delicious set of underpinnings back? Xx (see, I didn't forget!) Xx

Well….. X

Yes? X (you tease!) Xx

It's because I'm wearing them. Now. Heehee xx

Right! Fuck this for a game of squint eyed soldiers! I'm in the next bloody cab back! Keep yourself nice and juicy for me love xxx Never mind about the team lunch, I'm going straight for my dessert! Xxxxx

You'd best hurry love, I'm getting all hot and bothered xx

I'm in a cab now, c u in 10mins xx remember, no crafty twanging while I'm not there! Xx

Feeling very tingly now just picturing your face when you see this lovely underwear X it's silk. Very soft. I can hardly feel these knickers xx

You won't be feeling them for long when I get my hands on you love X I'll be ripping that lovely lingerie off you X with my teeth!! Xx

Getting very excited now at that thought my sexy wolfie xx how close are you now? Xx

Cab's just pulling round the corner. Get that sexy arse of yours down to my office! Pronto! I'll meet you there! Time for your punishment for threatening me with mushroom vol-au-vents!!! Xx

Leaving my desk now… xx

Bea went off to Randolph's cubbyhole of an office. Or the 'shag shack' as the other's had taken to calling it. She used his spare key, the one he'd presented to her, saying that no one else, not even Viv, had one of these. She teared up at that and he'd pulled her in for a hug calling her a 'soppy thing'.

She sat in the chair at his desk and swung her legs, spinning herself round, bored. Randolph was taking soooo loooong. The chair was set for his tall frame, so her feet didn't touch the floor. He didn't like her playing with the settings, so she had to dangle. He'd actually gotten her a child's toilet training stool specially. An 'in the night garden' one. She laughed as she span and saw it under his desk.

The door flew open when she was in mid spin, so her back was towards him. She'd lost momentum, so had to swing her legs and walk her hands on his desk to face him. He laughed at her antics.

"Sillymost groupie!" He chuckled. "I'll have to get you a swing for the garden!"

He locked the door behind him and advanced on her.

"Show me love, show me your beautiful body wrapped up in the deliciously naughty new underwear."

He stalked towards her. Only to be stopped by someone knocking on his office door.

"Open the door you degenerate old git. I know you're in there, I only just saw you arrive. And unless you're really good, or bad, I don't think 10 seconds is enough of a headstart to get your lecherous hands on poor Beatrice."

"Hang on Viv," he sighed, annoyed at his conquest being interrupted, and unlocked the door.

"And make sure you're both decent please. I've already had to bleach my eyes out once this month after catching you two at it in the new boss's freshly tarted up office. But you weren't the first ones to christen it, so you let me down badly. We got beaten by the bloody accounts department! I'd fifty riding on your two horny behinds to be first!"

He sat down on the desk as Inspector Deering entered. He could hear Bea giggling away behind him. He shook his head and chuckled.

"So Viv, why with the cock blocking?"

"Team lunch in an hour's time, if you hadn't forgotten. The new chief supers invited himself and some of his licky lackeys to our do, probably heard about the free food. I need Bea's help in setting up and removing anything incriminating that may or may not have been put on the wall," she sighed.

"Coming," Bea said and plopped off Randolph's chair. She grabbed his hand on passing him.

"Come with Randolph. I may need help climbing the step ladder to reach the top of the poster," she winked at him suggestively.

He perked up at that, "Righto love, don't want health and safety coming down on us like a tornado do we?"

Viv laughed, "Miller! You've completely corrupted this poor innocent girl!"

"Maybe... But I've loved every damn second of it," he smiled lovingly over at Bea. "But don't worry, she's only, oh, 65% corrupted? So far anyway. Still plenty of corruption schooling to do yet," he winked at Bea who giggled at him.

Viv laughed as they went upstairs. "You are completely incorrigible Miller!"

"I do try to be the very best in all my exploits, just ask my lovely groupie here!"

Bea smiled adoringly up at him, took his hand in hers and squeezed it.

"I can attest that you, Professor Randolph Miller, are the very best in every way as far as I'm concerned."

"Come on you two lovebirds, we've got a job to get on with. Plenty of time for all that later," Inspector Deering ushered them both up the stairs. "Help me with the decorations and I'll turn a blind eye if you both slip away as soon as that's done."

"Deal," Randolph said, "as long as I get to take a baggie or two of food with me?" he turned to Bea, "and I don't want any buggering mushroom vol-au-vents to 'accidentally' slip in!"

Bea smiled. "I promise love, none of those horrendous disgusting things. Or avocado sandwiches or vegan pizzas."

They both laughed loudly at that.

"Mental, the both of you," Viv Deering shook her head, smiling at them both.

She was happy that her friend Miller had found happiness with someone on his weird wavelength.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're interested, how to do texts and emojis in ao3 body text is in this guide:
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/6434845/chapters/14729722#workskin
> 
> With just a bit of HTML programming to create a 'workskin', and some more HTML in the body text, then hey presto! Texts!


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